


recovering and belonging

by pissmidorima (klancepromoter)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Star Trek Beyond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-08-08 03:14:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7741204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klancepromoter/pseuds/pissmidorima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>You smile to yourself, realizing that he’s just as broken as you are, and that’s okay. </i>
</p><p> </p><p>spock feels worthless and bones is there to comfort him. takes place during star trek beyond. warning for spock being sad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	recovering and belonging

You have a reputation of being the rational, emotionless one on the Enterprise, and you know that at some point in time, that was the truth. Nowadays you feel like a shell of what you used to be, like you’re not even the real Spock anymore.

 

Often you lie awake in bed, analyzing when it was that these negative emotions started to take place. You can trace it back to shortly after that horrible day that Vulcan was destroyed. Though it’s illogical to have thoughts like this, you still came to the conclusion that your planet was taken away from you because you didn’t deserve it. Your mother was so kind, so beautifully human, and she was taken from you too. You didn’t deserve her either. Yes, you’ve tried to tell yourself that rationally, it wasn’t your fault that she died. But if you don’t take responsibility, then no one will.

 

You feel like a mistake. A good Vulcan would be able to remain emotionless even during such an event. You even showed the whole crew how pathetic and weak you are, that time you got violent with Jim and had to give up the position of captain. It was so obvious Jim was baiting you into an emotional response, but you couldn’t control yourself for even five minutes. Some Vulcan you are.

 

Though you have come to the conclusion that these thoughts are the product of some sort of mental illness, you don’t want get psychological help because you don’t think you deserve it. Doctor McCoy has plenty of physically sick people to look after, who actually deserve to get better. You deserve to live in this state of self-hatred because you’re stupid enough to accept these negative thoughts as the truth. 

* * *

 

“Spock? Hello? You conscious yet? Goddamn Vulcan thinks he can sleep for the rest of the mission.”

 

Confused about where you are, you try to stretch in bed until you feel an unbearable pain in your stomach. You cry out and you see Doctor McCoy quickly making his way to your bed. Right, you just got back from the mission on Altamid with him. He saved your life and you’re not sure how to feel about that.

 

“How are you feeling?” Leonard asks, making notes on his clipboard.

 

“Unwell,” you say. Leonard half-smiles at you. “Doctor, it was in your best interest to leave me for dead on Altamid to increase your own chances of survival.”

 

“A simple thank you will suffice,” Leonard says. You wrinkle your eyebrows together, not getting what he’s trying to tell you.

 

“You compromised the mission’s safety for my sake. I do not understand why I should be grateful for that.”

 

“Dammit Spock,” Leonard says, sitting down in a chair next to the bed, “Me, and everyone else on this ship values you as a crew member. You’re goddamn important to so many people here. Why the hell should I leave you to die in that hellhole?”

 

You look down at your feet, unable to make eye contact with Leonard.  _ Because I deserved to die there, _ you immediately think.  _ Stop being irrational Spock, _ you tell yourself, but that doesn’t make the thought any less real.

 

“Hey, Spock, is everything alright? Besides the stabbing pain in your side,” Leonard says.

 

You’re so used to internalizing all of your problems and hiding them from everyone else that something inside of you breaks. You curl yourself into a ball and hide your head in your lap. You don't care if you look weak. Doctor McCoy doesn’t have time to listen to your pointless problems. You wish you could sink into this bed and disappear.

 

“I’m a doctor not a psychologist, Spock, I can’t fix what’s wrong if you don’t tell me. I’m talking to you as your friend,” Leonard says.

 

“Recently I have been experiencing frequent self-deprecating thoughts that I cannot get rid of, despite how illogical they are,” you say, still curled into a ball and hiding your face from Doctor McCoy.

 

“Is that your way of sayin’ you don’t like yourself?” Leonard asks in a warmer, kinder voice than the one he usually uses with you. He gently rubs you on back, and it feels so comforting that you can’t help but trust him. You lift your head up and nod, communicating that _yes_ , you've hated yourself for a while now and that you really do need his help. Then you feel the stabbing pain from your wound again. You cry out in pain and your head falls back on the pillow. A few seconds later, you start to feel tired. Leonard must have given you another dose of the pain medication.

 

Right before you drift off to sleep, you feel a kiss on your forehead. 

* * *

 

You wake up a few hours later in the Medical Bay, completely disoriented. To your surprise, Leonard is still sitting in the chair next to you.

 

“Is it not a waste of time to watch me sleep while you have plenty of other patients to care for?” you ask.

 

“I wasn’t watching you sleep, dammit, I just wanted to be here when you woke up,” Leonard says, his face turning slightly red. “I got worried after what you told me earlier.”

 

“Doctor, it was not my intention to keep you from your duties. I don’t deserve someone like you,” you say. He’s the first person to care about you since your mother, and you don’t want to push him away, but you’re so scared to trust someone that you don’t want to waste your time.

 

“Don’t deserve someone like me? Listen, Spock, you are the most intelligent person on this ship. Even if you seem cold on the outside, I know how kind and emotional you are on the inside. I care about you, dammit. Don’t push me away,” Leonard says.

 

You are a little stunned. You don’t like when people are nice to you, it reminds you of how much you’ve lost. It makes you want to do something stupid, like show an emotional response and cry. It doesn’t make logical sense how nice the Doctor is being to you.

 

“If it makes you feel any better, I know how you feel,” Leonard says, “I used to have full-blown panic attacks all the time. Space gives me awful anxiety but I’ve been getting better at handling it. Going through mental issues in space is scary as hell, so I’d like to be there for you.”

 

You don’t really know the correct reaction in these emotional situations, so you decide to sit up and give Leonard a hug. “From my understand it is customary for humans to hug for the purpose of conveying both comfort and gratitude.”

 

Leonard smiles. “Shut up Spock, you pointy-eared idiot.” You’ve spent enough time with the Doctor to understand that wasn’t an insult but rather a term of endearment. “You better call me Leonard if we’re going to have each other’s backs like this," Leonard says.

 

You pull away from the hug and contemplate this for a minute. "Yes, Leonard. You’ve been uncharacteristically kind to me today,” you say, and you swear you see him blushing in response to his name. You feel warm, and safe, and protected around Leonard, instead of the worthlessness and emptiness that you’ve been accustomed to. It’s strange, but nice.

 

Unfortunately, the moment was interrupted by the pain in your side again. “Doctor, I mean, Leonard, it is necessary for me to rest now and heal my wound.”

“Alright, I’ll leave you alone for now. ‘Night Spock.”

“Goodnight Leonard.” This time, you kiss him briefly on the cheek before you curl up in bed and close your eyes. Leonard sputters and makes some sort of lame excuse as to why he has to leave the room this instant. You smile to yourself, realizing that he’s just as broken as you are, and that’s okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> longest fic i have ever wrote! i'm super proud of myself for writing this. thank you so much for reading my ramblings about 2 sad gay dudes in space. kudos and comments are always appreciated <3


End file.
